Paul Dallison writes Declassified, a weekly satirical column.
Boris Johnson is toast. Finished. Done for.
But despite resigning, and befitting of a man who thinks ‘dignity’ is a small inflatable boat, Johnson said he intends to serve until a new leader is in place, with a timetable for a leadership race to be announced next week.
There have to be better caretaker leaders while the Tories get their house in order. Here are some options:
Peppa Pig
Pros:
Very popular abroad. Knows the queen. Has experience running a successful business — Peppa Pig World. Not afraid of getting involved in arguments with public figures (see her Twitter trolling of Kanye West after “Peppa’s Adventures: The Album” got a better online review than the rapper’s latest, “Donda”).
Cons:
Peppa Pig World was heavily praised by the toxic Johnson during a rambling speech to business leaders in late 2021 (he described the theme park as “my kind of place”). Strong likelihood of nepotism, with Mummy Pig, Daddy Pig and George Pig all in line for senior Cabinet positions. Potential bacon ban.
Theresa May
Pros:
Would be funny.Compared to Johnson, has a remarkably high approval rating among Conservative MPs.Armed and dangerous, as she still has a knife in her back put there by Johnson.
Cons:
Wasn’t very good as actual prime minister.She might dance to Abba.Backlash from food industry as she once served the weird combination of chicken lasagne and boiled potatoes to her election strategists.
Maroš Šefčovič
Pros:
Has great experience dealing with British trade issues. Good relations with the EU.
Cons:
Has a name that Brits won’t even bother to try and pronounce properly.Once ran for Slovak presidency and no one voted for him.Not massively popular with the Unionist community in Northern Ireland.
Prince Andrew
Pros:
Less toxic than Johnson.Available for work immediately.Has good relations with the queen.Strong advocate of the pizza industry.
Cons:
Everything else.
Jack Nicholson
Pros:
Has experience in the caretaker role after playing Jack Torrance in “The Shining.”
Cons:
Troubled.
Henry Hoover
Pros:
There is now a power vacuum at the top of British politics, so why not have an actual vacuum!British-made.Won’t suck as much as Johnson did.
Cons:
Was once seen hanging around in Johnson’s gaudy, ridiculously expensive new media briefing room.
Meghan Markle
Pros:
Enjoys the limelight.Good connections to (some) royals.
Cons:
More unpopular with the right-wing British media than Johnson, COVID lockdowns and Jack the Ripper combined.
